Catchy title huh?
So, right, 5 days to go until I leave hell on earth and get out of this god-forsaken pub that I reside in. Again, I really cant stress JUST how exited I am – I have tried to find the words to describe this, this, euphoria I feel but am left stumped.
Anyway. You catch my drift. Yippee etc etc.
So I had a moment the other day. A moment that I’m not proud of. A moment that I probably shouldn’t be posting about on the internet. But this moment got me to thinking – and considering I have maybe two subscribers I reckon its pretty safe to say that a local vigilante probably wont run me out of town.
I laughed at someone with special needs.
Now, OK, hold your horses – I know, I know – what the fu*k, right? Right. But it got me to thinking about laughter – laughing at others – laughing AT people in general. When is it right to laugh? It was one of those things y’know? One of those things that got me laughing uncontrollably. I’m talking out loud here. Out loud and at a volume so high I think only dogs could hear it (I wish.) Every part of me wanted to stop. I could feel it bubbling up inside of me, like lava it was – and y’know, there was just no stopping it.
The person in question was a delightful young chap who came to eat with his family at the restaurant that I work. It was obviously a mental illness – something that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I am ignorant to the pain, sadness or indeed any of the emotions or sufferings of mental or physical illness – may be this is what made me laugh. I think to myself that maybe if I had first hand experience of this illness I wouldn’t have laughed. I don’t know. I just know how lucky I am not to have.
The thing is, I wasn’t laughing at his illness, I wasn’t mocking him – I was laughing at the situation that I had found myself in.
In short, this guy just kept saying ”uh-huh” over and over again. Pretty loudly. In a pretty quiet restaurant. He responded ”uh-huh” to everything his family asked him. ”Do you want steak” they said ”uh-huh” he replied. I thought, poor guy, what if he didn’t want steak?
Anyhow it turned out that one member of this guys family complained about her food. She did so as I was clearing their table. Every single plate was clean – I swear blind that they must have licked them clean when no-one was looking. Regardless, she complained – everyone else around the table seemed happy – but not her, she told me this was dry, that was bland, it was this, it was that. So I just said ”very sorry about that madam” turned to the guy with the illness and said ”was everything ok with your food sir.”
Its amazing isn’t it – we all have this idea of morality. What is cruel and what is kind. We are quick to wag a finger. I got the ultimate finger wagging at a funeral recently. Again, another one of those moments that I shouldn’t write about.
Awful story – man dies, only 29. Wife and family all at funeral – I didn’t know him, her, or nearly anyone there. I was in his science class at school. I think I ate a sandwich with him once in the canteen. Anyway. We get to the part when the coffin is lowered into the ground. Music playing, all terribly emotional, people are throwing roses in there, sobbing – wife of the dead guy approaches – now she’s seriously crying, big long kinda grunts coming out of her, all very emotional. She approaches the coffin, still wailing, bends down, rose in hand, lets out a little sigh and throws this rose – but, she kinda over cooks it. The rose is flung over the coffin, completely missing it and it lands on the other-side of the hole. Right by my foot. There was a long pause afterwards, lots of people pretending they didn’t see – but they did. They saw alright.
And I’m off. Tears rolling down my cheeks. It just tickled me. I’ve never laughed so hard in my whole life.
Quite a big target when you think about it.
Anyway. I’m not a bad man. I promise you.
But I am that guy. I am that guy that laughs at a funeral.
Wag those fingers all you want. I understand.
But I think that it is these moments, these awful, morally obscure, completely awkward and disgusting moments that make us not only wrong, but human.